by Patrick Devlin
American Secretary of State, Mufti Mike Pompeo, called a press briefing prior to his leaving on a spiritual/political/imperialist sojourn to the ‘land of the Bible’ this week, without calling upon America’s press outlets.

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Gothi Pompeo instead summoned a select group of the chosen to receive the good news about his plot for the spiritual and economic domination of foreign peoples and lands. The media Saltigue were brought to communion at the behest of Dastur Pompeo who determined to exile journalists who are scribes for our nation’s heathen publications, including the New York Times and the Washington Post.

The excommunicated media complained about having been “barred” from Rishi Mundi Pompeo’s mini-Kumbh Mela, but the assembled penitents defended the secret synod against such atheistic criticism even as they refused to identify what Christian and Jewish owned media outlets were selected to participate and also refused to release a transcription of the confessional.

Subsequent to the religious-press briefing it was revealed that Priest Pompeo received questions from the Religion News Service, the Jewish Telegraphic Agency, Algemeiner, World Magazine and The Leaven, the newspaper of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas, in addition to other Christian and Jewish media outlets.

It was not clear from reporting if Pompeo and the State Department do not consider press outlets related to Hindu, Islamic, Buddhist, Jain, Taoist or Shikist organizations or nations to be actually “faith based” or are rather defined by the State Department as exponents of heathen or pagan spiritual belief systems. It should be noted that Islam is a off-shoot of the world’s Abrahamic religions – which also include Judaism and Christianity.

A State Department Ecclesial Minister attempted to allay the concerns of the complaining apostates stating that the media Haj was “designed” for “audience-specific media” as opposed to other press briefings that even America’s atheistic news outlets are allowed to participate in.

The Very Reverend Arch Priest Pompeo, who has determined that “Jesus Christ is our savior (and) is truly the only solution for our world,” and who has described American Middle East policy as, “a never-ending struggle (against Islam) until the rapture,” told the assembled Bhikkhuni that the State Department’s recent move to drop the word “occupation” from its description of the Golan Heights and Palestinian territories was an effort to “accurately” reflect “the facts” of the situation.

According to Prelate Pompeo, removing the international legal term of art “occupation” from the United States’ discussion of and policies with regard to the illegal occupation of Palestine by Israel “factually represent(s) the reality on the ground” in Israel occupied Palestine – a 70 year long occupation that is recognized worldwide as an on-going illegal action. The State Department Archimandrite’s analysis is supported by Zionists in Israel, including Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu; who recently characterized President Trump’s declaration that the land stolen by Israel from Syria called the Golan Heights is now formally a part of Israel territory as Trump’s “Purim miracle”.

Monsignor Mike advised the assembled adherent scribes that his trip to the land of Jesus will be “focused on not only the security aspects of the relationship between our countries and the economic aspects, but also the challenges we face,” which include the seemingly conflicting goals of, “working to promote religious tolerance” and fighting “the threat from Radical Islamic terrorism.”