by Patrick Devlin

As both Democratic and Republican politicians are getting ready to roll up their sleeves and start governing now that the closed for business government has been re-opened for business, a small group of political leaders from both parties are working together to brainstorm solutions that are practical, make good sense and appeal to the mindsets and meet the requirements of politicians from both parties. While the consensus of TV’s shouty partisan teletubbies is that our diametrically opposed political parties can’t possibly agree on anything (and we therefore can’t do anything other than continue fighting imperial wars and bailing out private businessmen) the deal-makers in DC are currently working on a proposal that has not been castigated by either Democrats or Republicans as “unworkable”, “undoable”, “unpalatable” or “un-American” providing hope that the chasm between the party of Lincoln and the party of…whatever the Democrats say that they are the party of, can be bridged for the sake of benefiting regular Americans, who are very rich.

The bi-partisan work group has proposed implementing what it calls the “chained tax tables” that will, over the course of time, gradually reduce the rate of taxes paid by the country’s “job creators” eventually bringing the country to a comfortable stasis point of zero percent with respect to taxation of our richest donors/citizens that both Democrats and Republicans can trumpet as a success when they stand before their local Chambers of Commerce.

In the system of chained tax tabling, instead of politicians caving to wealthy campaign cash contributors once every two years (during election seasons) and giving away scads of unwarranted tax breaks, promoting tax forgiveness schemes, offering multiple year tax holidays and tax rebates, an assessment will be made every month that will take into account the level of pouting, screaming and threatening to withhold financial support from politicians by America’s wealthiest and America’s businesses that will be recorded on a new government scale called the “Captured Politican Index” (CPI). Based upon the monthly changes to the CPI, the tax rates of our top earners will be decreased in rough proportion to the kicking and screaming, pouting and threatening that the index will quantify.

Chained tax tabling was originally conceived of by a team of academics that was appointed during the Clinton presidency when both republicans and democrats, supported by the White House, determined that having the lowest personal tax rates on the planet for our wealthiest citizens and for our hard working corporations was just too burdensome.

Though chained tax tabling was inspired out of a pure bi-partisan desire to help a small sliver (one percent) of America’s citizens that legislators realized really “needed a little help” from our government, the concept was originally lionized largely by rightwing think tanks in America, including the Heritage Foundation, and was supported by George W. Bush among other members of America’s “hard right”. But, with the election of the very pragmatic servant of the public Barack Obama, members of America’s “left wing”, including Obama himself, have realized the need to extend tax relief to the hard working very rich in our country.

US Representative Dick Durbin (D-IL) recently exclaimed his full throated support for chained tax tabling and the CPI recently stating, “That’s right. I do, and I’ll tell you why — because Social Security is going to run out of money in 20 years. I want to fix it now, before we reach that cliff…Medicare may run out of money in 10 years, let’s fix it now If we don’t focus on the health care and dealing with the entitlements, the baby boom generation is going to blow away our future.”

It is this mindset that animates the group of brave elected officials from both parties that has banded together to push for chained tax tabling to lend support to our country’s job creators and to show that bipartisanship has not died in this great land.