by Patrick Devlin

In case there is any lingering hope, that hasn’t yet changed to disbelief or rage, that Democrats have finally torn the gauzy film of free market scientific-theologism from their eyes, we now observe the spectacle of Mr. Obama (a real true Democrat) slathering praise on the lizard-like manipulator consigliore of profit privatization and debt socialization, Mr. Summers, asserting in broad daylight that Summers makes an “outstanding” candidate to head up the Federal Reserve.

I really think that Obama believes that Mr. Summers would be a “terrific” head of the Federal Reserve. And whether he knows it or not, his man-crush on lizard Summers is a significant tell signaling the religion that our Democrat in the White House practices; free market scientific-theologism.

Let’s take a look at some of Mr. Summer’s career achievements in the world of your own personal finances of that may help you understand just why our dear democratic leader swoons in defense of Mr. Summers.

When he was an appointee of that other fabulous freemarketeer Democratic president, Bill Clinton, Summers worked on some really high-minded, forward thinking (one might even say world shaking in their outright speculative adventurism) programs that we Americans are still reaping the rewards from : the non-regulation of over-the-counter derivative financial gambling bets and the de-regulation of the nation’s banks that allowed them to enter the world-wide non-regulated casino.

I know that the 15.2 percent of Americans without a job in July 2013 (as reported by the Bureau of Labor Statistics) would surely thank Mr. Summers for his vision for their future, that is on the off chance that Mr. Summers happens to visit the homeless shelter.

Likewise, the households in the US that lost an estimated $16.4 trillion in net worth between 2007 and 2009 may, after a little free-market reeducation provided by our Democratic leadership, certainly wish to thank Mr. Summers for the ‘tough love lesson’ they have received about the free market of financial sector regulation that benefits everyone equally…it’s just like science!

Although it seems to most people that letting greed addled phonies to “regulate themselves” as they were (quite literally) making billions in personal wealth by misrepresenting the value of their gambling products may be a bad idea; at the time, Mr. Summers went on record before the US Congress and reassured these corn-pone chumps that “the parties to those kinds of contracts are largely sophisticated financial institutions that would appear to be eminently capable of protecting themselves from fraud and counterparty insolvencies.” I guess in the end, these banking felons actually did do a good job “protecting themselves” – not so much my retired 3rd grade science teacher…who maybe should have studied the science of ‘free markets’ instead of biology.

It is, however, good to know that – in the long run (or bank run, whatever) Summers finally agreed with Keynesians when he quoted John Maynard Keynes telling Newsweek in 2009, “When circumstances change, I change my opinion.”

More thoughts from this vessel of magical economic thinking and action;
Mr. Summers says he is in awe of “the economic logic behind dumping a load of toxic waste in the lowest wage country is impeccable and we should face up to that…. I’ve always thought that under-populated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted”,
Mr. Summers may himself not think that fed chair candidate Janet Yellen is up to the task (given the existence of, well, her ovaries) due to the fact that women, Summer’s asserts, have a “different availability of aptitude at the high end” than us testosterone addled free market he-men.

Now, I realize that all of this free market scientificism may be a little beyond regular Americans, who believe, for example, that when you give a dollar to an out of work citizen there is no question whatsoever that every penny of that dollar will go directly back into the economy, and when you give trillions (yes – that is between 16 and 23 trillion dollars) to criminals with no strings attached that there is a really good chance that those dollars will not be infused into the economy but will rather end up in non-taxable foreign bank accounts of petite-billionaire options traders. But we have to set aside our preconceptions about how the economy works and listen with rapt intent to the Democratic free market scientist priests who have advised us that;

the best way to fix our infrastructure is to borrow money from well-connected big banks and give contracts to well-connected construction firms,

the best way to teach our children is to give public tax dollars to well-connected private individuals, break unions and elevate standardized testing as knowledge and learning,

the best way to ensure that well-connected oil cartels don’t further destroy our mother is to allow them to regulate themselves and clean up any messes they make,

the best way to stop terror is to fully fund an internal secret police force, let private well-connected companies record every conversation and act of commerce that we have with other citizens, and assassinate a whole bunch of swarthy “collateral damage” with weapons pushed by well-connected private companies,

the best way to circumscribe the bad behaviors of well-connected banking felons is to let them pen ‘get out of jail free’ non-prosecution agreements and, again, de-regulate,

the best way to end the NSA’s unconstitutional complete surveillance regime that was instituted over the course of more than a decade and which is run by well-connected private businesses is to let the NSA investigate itself and propose changes,

and the best way to ensure that our seniors have enough food to eat and shelter to live in is to explore reducing Social Security benefits and encourage young Americans to invest in those cleverly devised and mystical.magically&stupendous over the counter derivatives and such so that they’re future can be as scientifically sound as all of the free market solutions to the problems that are vexing Americans in this new depression that are articulated above.

Doing this will guaranty our seniors are themselves enriched with as much promise for the future as it holds for consigliore Summers and his Democratic free market adherent supporters, (I hear that there’s a real big-buck free market for former Wall Street lap dog politicians after they finish ‘implementing their theological science’ plans for current and future American citizens).

It is sometimes difficult for those of us who do not have the benefit of the free market tutelage our Democratic leaders rely upon, as “free market solutions” seem so often to simply be euphemistic for making deals with “well connected private businesses” (see above) and engaging in some milton.friedmann.ayn.rand.dipshit political blather for marketing purposes. But, while we may never be able to divine the mystical.magical.superstructure of free market fundamentalism, we surely will hear from our democratic leaders that America is a beneficent land that is characterized by its freedom…freedom of markets, that is.