by Patrick Devlin

Every time I have recently attempted to update my apple internet phone software I have been offered to accept a free-of-charge service by that same wonderful company (which appears to have the capacity to know exactly what types of products me and mrs.acmerecords want desperately to purchase to define our personal natures by) : to have a cloud named after me, where all of my ideas and schemes and dreams (as revealed in the haphazard and unfocused and advertising driven and mostly out of either sheer boredom or out of shameless consumerist instincts google.industrial.complex searches that I do) can be stored forever by them for my convenience; you know if my computer crashes or in case I ever have a problem buying additional computer hard drives to store my stuff on- you know if, like, best buy closes its doors and tiger direct gets bought up by some sparkleponypoop development company from china or san francisco or some shria law or something.

While I am sure you all know that I would gladly send my first born male child directly to bill gates or whoever is the current black faux-turtleneck wearing dude from – if it was 1) in the interests of national security and 2) would result in my being compensated with stock options, I would without hesitation – but unfortunately, due to the current economic climate in these united states, me & mrs.acmerecords have forestalled our patriotic.progenation.pact to bring forth into this marvelous nation of commerce another credit card carrying American citizen (& don’t lay that ‘not patriotic for not ‘re-stocking’ the shelves of America with newborn.consumption.nodes’ criticism on us because we do indeed consume a great deal…just have a look at our shopping history as transcribed by the whole foods wellness club or as methodically collected by our good friend at the local jewels (Albertsons) and you will see that we can be accurately data-mined to appears as good americans by these proud American citizen.corporations) – my question to ya’ll over here in rancho bernardo is : with the federal government getting into the cloud computing storage business, does it make sense to establish a relationship with one of the 2 companies that is always trying to get me to ‘cloud-up’ my personal information, if you will; meaning the wonderful, friendly and consumer conscious folks over at google.industrial.copmplex, or the bastion of technologically freeing/but slave producing electronics repackaging business Apple given that both of these government supported private entities are currently trading better on the NASDAQ than the publicly supported uncle sam project known as the USofA- when the honest and protecting US government wants to provide this NSA cloud computing system for free (or slightly free)?

Believe me, I am really proud that our great has (belatedly to be sure- but necessarily given the competition’s head start) finally decided to monetize their complete and unbridled collection of every thought, inspiration, communication, desire, intent, expression, wish, hope, yearning, muse, belief, aspiration and, well, purchase (those boyz over at boozy.hamilton are like a freaking dyson on steroids) – but me and mrs.acmerecords are really concerned as to whether the good ol’ USofA can actually compete with real class outfits like apple & google – I don’t know but I do know that all of those government policy deciders likely started their careers at Goog-App-R-osoft and then were welcomed back by these patriotic citizen.corporations after writing all that ‘legislation’ and developing them groovy ‘cost plus no-bid contracts’ and such.

I assure you all over here in the rancho that I’m not dissing the good ol’ corporation of America here – but really, do you all remember the product release event for that government product called the ‘taxpayer bail-out of private finance companies’? When that happened, there were no dancing girls, there were no free swag bags, there was no gigantic flat screen TVs with neato-cool digitally enhanced images of dick fuld, anthony mozillo, lloyd blankfein and jamie diamond festooned with gigantic lobster bibs and a-wolfing down currency from a taxpayer packed feeding trough – No, all we got was the BADBAD.person.king gwbush saying sheepishly that ‘capitalism got drunk’ and had to be saved by socialism !

by socialism ?!? – you will never hear that bootstrapping and never supported by government contracts or tax advantages or unique copyright protections bill.gates or that faux turtleneck guy saying the word socialism – f*ckin’ no way…these men are heroes of American freedom.commerce who deserve to be both lionized & patronized (as in buying all their neato products) by regular.dullard.americans.

Even the drone.spymaster.king.bobama himself (when advancing the NSA’s cloud computing product that he unveiled recently with the help of a guy named Ed Snowden) – and he didn’t even call that guy ‘snowy’ or some other corny.cute nick name) couched the requirement that regular americans have to be to be tracked like some kind of criminal with a warrant served out on their collective asses, not as submitting our sparkleponypoop.privacy to the data collection and analysis systems of some kind of socialist.gulag type of ‘big brother’ (no sir), but in a way that both me and mrs.acmerecords can understand readily – having recently ‘traded-in’ my late model acura when I contracted to purchase my new.used bmw over the course of the next 84 months, or the ‘trade-up’ mrs.acmerecords recently did when she agreed to be tracked wherever she goes by her new apple internet phone – we were advised by our dear.protector that all we have to do to get in on the at least ten year old ground floor of the NSA cloud computing revolution is to ‘trade-off’ our rights – if that’s all they’re asking (as me and mrs.acmerecords surely ‘have nothing to hide’ as good patriots always suggest they don’t) we would be right ‘on board’- kind of like turning ourselves in for our own protection for crimes that we do not know exist and, in any event, we have not committed – dude, sign me up!

Unfortunately, me and mrs.acmerecords have for so long been inundated with messaging by true americans from both political parties that “government is not the solution, government is the problem” and “reagan was a transformational president” and all of these new ‘public/private partnerships’ our grand.drone.decimating.decider.but.not.that.decider.king has been talkin’ ‘bout since he was elected, I have a really hard time detaching myself from the nurturing and individuality creating companies that, basically, are now more wealthy and powerful than the good ol’ such as the google.industrial.copmplex and – and ‘trading-off’ to be monitored by what is without qualification the best country in the world, that is just not as good as the best companies in the world, as we have been told over and over by our protecting politicians…a real consumer.quandry – –

But wait – mrs.acmerecords just told me that the government has a magic ‘prism’ & that, when this conundrum is viewed through this magic crystal – one can see that the government and these amazing.capitalist.companies are actually providing the full range of cloud computing services to all americans…hand in glove, in tandem, as partners, as one fine-tuned machine – as a public/private partnership, what a relief.


Now I know that 1) I have no choice in the matter and, 2) if this public/private partnership is anything like the public private partnerships that led to non-prosecution agreements between the largest private financial companies on the planet and the US government ‘regulators’ (sic), or the fabulous called QE1 through infinity – we Americans have nothing to fear and nothing to lose – once all them rights are safely ‘traded away’.

America ueber alles