Daily Archives: August 11, 2017

national

#BarbaraYankey Stuns Science with Discovery of Human Hair Heart Stopping Syndrome

by Patrick Devlin
cross posted at the demise

#BarbaraYankey, a self-described “scientist”, has made worldwide headlines again this week with her team’s discovery of what they are calling “Human-Hair Heart Stopping Syndrome.” The shocking discovery was reported by graduate student (meaning, not yet a doctor) #Yankey, who currently goes to school at Georgia State University.

madness!

Yankey made headlines earlier this week when she reported that the cardiovascular risks of consuming #cannabis exceed those of consuming tobacco – a strange “scientific” finding given that the US government reports that tobacco kills more than 400,000 citizens every year and also has reported year after year that #cannabis has never killed a single person in recorded history.

Making scientific history again this week, #BarbaraYankey’s team of student scientists has reportedly stumbled upon a frightening medical fact as they were performing research on the human body, this being, that every person who has ever died of a heart attack had (at least at some point in their life time) a full head of hair. The team of scientists has concluded from their research that human hair causes heart attacks.

The school attending scientists further warn that some people who have fallen victim to a heart attack in the course of human history were actually bald at the time of their attack. This fact led the researchers to conclude that shaving one’s head will be of no protection from a possible human-hair related heart attack.

Scientist-to-be Yankey commented that the danger of human hair related heart attacks is as real as any scientific fact, such as the claims that consuming #cannabis will lead to insanity, homicide and/or the possibility of serving two terms as President of the United States (see Bill Clinton, GW Bush and Barack Obama as real life examples of the scourge of cannabis consumption).

Yankey and her yet-to-be scientist peers celebrated their important human hair related heart attack findings at a local bar by downing several bottles of champagne. The team of scientists was later cited for driving while intoxicated after their science van smashed into a dumpster as the team was exiting the parking lot of the tavern.

Yankey told reporters that the team had discovered a valuable scientific truth from the driving mishap; said Yankey, “The nation needs to rally its scientific resources to crack down on dangerous tavern dumpsters.”